Not much has changed since

Barring physical aspects like facial hair, body weight and hormone levels & the addition of a few letters after my name {B.Tech (I.T.) , PGDM (C) }nothing really has changed over the last decade or to be specific ever since I finished 12th.


Here I am, goalless, ambition-less (well it's not all that bleak, there are like really long term big picture things like owning a restaurant/pub etc etc but nothing for the near future) and clueless for the most part of my waking moments. It's almost a zombie like existence, doing certain things cos they need to be done to stay alive or cos I have nothing better do.

I really don't know what it is that I wanna do in life or what it is that I like doing?

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be fighter pilot. I tried real hard to be one, cleared all the tests, interviews etc only to be told I couldn't be one cos spine isn't the way it ought to be.

That's it....that was the day that I thought, ok life doesnt end here...I'll figure something out, 7 years hence and I still haven't.

So let's look at a time line here.
At 17
Joined engineering cos that was the easiest possible next step, midway through it realised I don't wanna write code for a living. Age: 20 years Status: still clueless

At 21
Looked for the most exciting possible prospect. Thought advertising would be it. Status: Not entirely sure, but seemed like the best possible option.

At 23
Got a MBA, got a job, everything seemed to be fine. Thought I made the right choice.

Here I am at 24, quit my job, dunno what I'm gonna do next. Ok then again, my quitting my job had a whole lotta other factors involved and advertising might still be THE thing. But fact is at the big picture level I dunno what I'm meant to do, what my true calling is?


Ok let's stop the career talk here...I'll make money one way or the other, I'm still young there is still hope.


What about stuff like relationships, friends blah blah and all those things that matter to normal people.

I have some really nice friends, but I dunno if I can really call anyone a best friend, that is more my fault than theirs actually, have too many hangups n issues in life I guess. Have had little or no social life after I've moved to Bombay (while I was working had no time, when I did had no energy and now that I've quit, and have all the time in the world, I can't cos I don't think it's wise to splurge the little savings that I have)

So there you have it......I am 24, unemployed, aimless, not a single date in sight let alone a relationship, lost and clueless.....in most romantic comedies this would be the low point of the protagonist's life...looks like trash, eats cold pizzas etc etc...well since this is real life, I still enjoy my drink and a nice lil tandoori chicken. (Don't really know the purpose of the last few lines, but they seem funny so i'll keep em)

I am therefore as good or as bad as I was when I was 17.

Reminds of Sinatra's song 'It was a very good year........'

The Stage

For as long as I can remember now I've wanted to be on stage...wanted to perform...and now I'm getting to live it out(I've been on stage before but this is different). It's small step towards a bigger dream, lets see how things pan out.

The time spent on stage is interesting to say the least...yes you are involved, you get to watch the audience react and all that but when for most part of the play, you have to stay motionless its strenuous. Excruciating pain, back,heels and claves get fucked...being still is quite a pain, especially for someone who is fidgety and restless like me. Its like a huge relief when the lights are on you, and you can move :P....for all 8 of us in the mob movement is quite valuable.




Well the first show went of quite well, the audience seemed to like it, but then again they were all MICANs, lets see how the paying public reacts.











I'm glad I got this opportunity, once the student life ends...I dunno I'd get to be on stage or not....this is not the kind of role I wanted but nevertheless I got to experience what it feels like to be on stage...and I'm glad I tried.








Come to think of it, 'trying' is why I'm happy with myself.....and that is why I'm still alive.

As a kid I wanted to be a fighter pilot, n hell I tried real hard to be one...too bad my spine didn't meet the required standards...but I tried.

I also I wanted to be a cricketer, I tried (I may not have tried hard enough and there were other circumstances,issues but yes I did try).

There are so many other things I wanna do, a whole bunch of adventure sports, whole bunch of places to go to, things to try and I know I will try, the first opportunity I get I'll try and make it happen.

There are times I've felt I've got the wrong end of the stick, be it with friends,family or in any other setting but I find solace in the fact that I have always given it my best shot, have always tried. I've done things which were detrimental to my ego...but I did them just to try and make things work.


I know I've always tried hard and have no regrets.I know there is nothing else I could've done in all those situations.....have no 'what if I had done this', no 'why didn't I do this' , no 'if only'.....for this and this alone I'm at peace with myself. Being at peace with yourself is a huge driving force, you can be cross with the guy who messed up your order, the guy who gave you a blazer 2 sizes smaller, the guy who cut you off on the road....but you cant be cross with yourself and survive.


The post started out as something and has ended up being something else....signs of aging :P or may be its just the thoughts that ran through my head while I was on stage.

Should end it here now.

Cheers.....the stage beckons

P.s. the pics were taken either during rehearsals or its just me posing....will put up proper pics of the play after assimilating and compiling them from various sources.

Growing up too soon

Spoiler: This is not a post about how kids have more spending power, how kids today are vital for every marketeer....this is far from mktg...so if u happen to have come across this, through google while searching for material for ur assignment...read no further...this is about ME.


Growns up are so messed up aren't they???

Should do the right thing....every thing is cut and dry...black and white...right and wrong.
Have to understand the other person...empathise..sympathise blah blah.
Rules,codes,standards,adherence to them.


Where the fuck has the kid who wants everything gone? Why the hell can't he get what he wants anymore? Why can't he just throw a tantrum,wail and scream his lungs out whenever he wants to?

Why do I have to succumb/accept to certain things??? just because I'm an adult and "need to behave like one".


N with me I think this growing up, process has just gone from point A to point F. Being exposed to a lotta situations very early on in life, did make me smart or whatever u wanna call it, but it also killed the kid. Analysing, toning down, trying to not make the same mistakes that I've seen ppl around me make.


See I even talk like some granddad now....fuck man....just so pissing off.

Staring into nothing

Have you ever just looked through things? I mean you look at something, your mind recognizes but doesn't register colours,shapes,forms,depth and all that. But nothing more than that....you just continue staring at/into thin air.

A mind devoid of thoughts......I see most people around me with thoughts running in their heads ...worried,happy,stressed,concerned,angry,sad....but when I'm blank like this...nothing...no emotions...no thoughts...just mere processing of information that my eyes pass on to my brain.


N lately,it's been happening to me quite often. It's very fascinating, when i snap out of it ( warning/disclaimer:I AM NOT ON ANY DRUGS....these are not trips or psychic visions). I wonder how this happens to me involuntarily, I guess this is my brain's/mind's way of chilling out...it's as if it says "fuck u I need a break n I'm gonna shutdown... n close myself off from the world around u"

N its very different from the lost in thoughts types stare...here you move around a little, scratch yourself etc but fundamentally its all blank. I dunno if this what happens when you meditate. But I don't think its the same thing.


It also gets me thinking.... if this how comatose people feel or if this how a newborn sees the world.



Do let me know if any of you have experienced anything similar.

P.s. not a 'feeling low' post...no pity or sympathy comments please

Amnesia

Its very funny not having any memories of a few hrs in your life.....its not like I've forgotten just that I absolutely have no memories.


Cause:Alcohol overdose.
Effect: No cognizance/memory of around 2 hrs in my life.


I'm not embarrassed or worried about what I might have done....but It's eerie feeling not knowing anything about those hrs.

What makes it worse is when ppl come up to u and ask u about that night n all u can manage is a sheepish grin. Different ppl have been telling me different things...n I dunno what to say....all I do is 'errrrrrr okkkkk'

Phew!!! Some night that!!!

8x10 की दुनिया

क्या मेरी दुनिया बस चंपा 4 तक ही सिमट कर रहगयी है?
क्या मैं बस लोगों को आते जाते, मेरी खिड़की के सामने से गुज़ृते हुए देखता ही रह जाऊंगा?
क्या मैं अपने आप में इतना खो गया हूँ की मुझे कोई और नज़र अत ही नही या फिर क्या इसीलिए मैं किसी को नज़र अता नही?

It's not just about feeling wanted or liked....its much more than that....it's as if I'm existing for no specific reason. For who,what and why am I? Does anybody need me at all? Do I need anybody? Do they really need to need to me? Does a loner like to be alone or is it that he has no choice but to be one????

At some level I'm to blame for this distance that I seem to have created between everybody else and me(or is it I???...don't really give a fuck about grammar right now). In trying to shield myself from all the things I don't like...I've insulated myself in my own little cocoon. In trying to become self sufficient ,self reliant, independent and happy with myself; I think I've alienated myself from everyone else.


I can't remember the last time I was truly happy or excited....no it's not like I'm leading a morose and stale life but there is definitely a lack of excitement. I mean the only time there is nothing on my mind is probably when I'm playing a sport, where I just focus on doing well and winning.

It's not that all is dark here....I enjoy the company of my girlfriend, think we have a pretty neat thing going........
.......but there is still something that's missing in my life or so I think/feel. Desperately need to know what that elusive something is?(may be it's just a stiff drink :P) I dunno sometimes I feel I'm being too demanding, aiming for perfection even where I don't need it.



Time to post this, shut the lid and stare at the ceiling as I lay down in my '8x10 ki duniya'.

Victim of 'Nek Irade'

How many times have we heard "Is duniya mein bhale/sharif admi ke liye koi jagah nahi"

yeah well that is how i feel right now. Well me with all my altruist n sometimes philanthropic irade go out of my way to make ppl feel comfortable or help them out n in the end i get blamed for causing harm to them. Simple things, innocius albeit unsolicited advice, all with good intentions more often than not backfire.


I'm begining to wonder if i should just shut my trap n let ppl b on their 'halath'....


Arrrrrgggghhhh...fuck it...too shitty...too fucked in the head right now.

clean room,suspension,T,abrupt endings n more

Two weeks into the 2nd yr n a lot has happened.....my first suspension( dont know if ill b this happy when i get my first salary)....the issue is settled though...nothing happened in the end....but quite an interesting phase.

New room,new hassles.....paint/chunna keeps falling off, therz seepage n i was living in a virtual store room,set up room finally yesterday looks quite nice,lets see till when it stays that way.

But the biggest disappointment of my stay at MICA, i missed the "culturization"...I had taken off for the weekend assuming it would last for a week or so, but alas I did only for a day...hence no door banging no yelling no assignments.

N yes T work is starting to bug me now, its not as much fun as it should be, we end up planning for all the things that could go wrong, we try very hard to b politically correct n all that...this sucks...anyways I signed up for it, will do my best.

Quite an eventful start I must say, but unfortunately nothing is moving on the MICANVAS front n i'm slightly worried now, but yeah whatever.... everything has a way of fixing itself.

Lazy afternoons,biryani,beer and drives in the rain

Yes I'm back home(as if the title could be any less direct)......

Speaking of lazy afternoons, the ones spent just lying in Palaash feel quite different from the ones at home...well for one there isn't 10 different kinds of music streaming in.


Hmmm now lets look back to the origin of lazy afternoons....i guess it would be sometime in school that u turn into a sloth from the erstwhile incarnation of a hyper-active kid who cant get enough of running around.....u refuse to wake up in time..like to have ur meals in bed....prefer lying prostrate on the couch and watch cartoons all day and go out to play cricket only very late in the evening....n then puberty hits u n u become an even bigger sloth ball...and along with that comes rebellion and u fight back when ur mom says u havent bathed for 2days now n u r beginning to stink. After a whole lotta years u hit college...spend most of ur sundays sleeping in only to be woken up by a call or msg frm friend/girlfriend which ever the case may be and suddenly all the laziness in u vanishes n u change as quickly as superman in the phonebooth n rush out.


N then post grad happens.....the baaaaap of all laziness u dont shave for weeks, bathe lets see when u feel considerate enough for u neighbours, breakfast lunch dinner....y bother u have a 24 hr canteen...kuch na kuch toh mil hi jayega..... lets sleep in play some fifa n cs....watch some porn...n the day shall pass.




Anyways being home isn't as bad as i thought it would be( what with the mass exodus of engg grads frm snist n the whole of narayan gang)....some chuts have come back so its alrite.


Me sleeps me eats and eats some more.....surf the net for a coupla hrs.....n there u have it another day begins.


Ok... after this pathetic piece of self appraisal i need to go feed myself.

Err whatever

Summer Internship, that great big promise......the one last chance to figure out what u want to do in life.....Phbbbbbbbbt!!!!!

Nah! u discover new levels of vellagiri....watching movies n porn in the office, pretending to b concentrating on a word doc which has been touched for over 2 hrs, ladadeedum....

Well I'm sure quite a few of my batchmates would've had a fruitful experience, but I for one certainly don't feel great about mine.

The expectations that I had n the reality r worlds apart. I did try to "learn" n b open as much as possible but I guess this organization n I aren't quite compatible.

Well anyway fuck that.....the fun things....had cheap ass cold drinks....travelled n saw some inhospitable terrain, had my first real brush with rural India....hmmm whatelse "office politics n culture" (do I hear ODY....no I still think that most of those courses were pure bull or atleast the way they were "facilitated")



N pretty much everything is hunky dory....looking forward to gettin that damn paycheque n gettin outta here now....some good times ahead I guess, first Bombay then Lakshadweep...wooohoo!!! n yeah i guess the trip back home wont be that boring this time.



Until later

Annual report

Yet another year of my student life has come to an end....unless i suddenly decide to pursue a Phd.....this will be the very last yr of my student life...... a very scarry thought that.

The last yr has gone by in a flash......although i slept through most of my time at MICA(proof my last post was in jan...well u can also credit that to lazyness)....i have quite a few fond memories.....n the last term was kinda wierd....i was hardly awake.....n the last few weeks were suddenly hectic......no i wasnt studyn....MICANVAS wrk...Team T stuff etc etc.

The last one yr has been quite "educative" in the academic sense n otherwise too...... my impressions of ppl wen i landed at MICA n by the time the yr ended have been quite different. :D
Some pleasant surprises...some not so.


Someone had told me a few days ago "Its hard to believe tht im not gonna see some of these people ever again"....that got me thinkin.....quite right actly.....there r quite a few ppl frm school i havent seen or heard frm n its just been 7yrs since i left school. Hmmmm just one of those life ke funde thingies. Anyways fuck this heavy shit......its all hunky dory n a lil more ;)


writing this from my workplace (yes yes.....i have eventually been forced to wrk...cruel cruel world)...the internship is on....pretty decent place....wrk is ok...a lil drab desk wrk bt ok.....field wrk shld prbbly b a lil more xcitin. Baroda is quite ok....havin a decent stay here.


Well was on campus for the weekend.....was kinda weird stayin in a barren palaash....no noise...no ppl....ppl that uve grown used to seein evryday...ppl u eat wit..bathe wit....ppl u look at n think to urslf fuck i jus wanna kill that guy/female. yeah well thats how it is......."Batch"


alrighty then...hope to be a lil mre regular now.....until then

over n out

My anthem???

"Extreme Ways"
-MOBY

Extreme ways are back again
Extreme places I didn't know
I broke everything new again
Everything that I'd owned
I threw it out the windows, came along
Extreme ways I know move apart
The colors of my sea
Perfect color me

Extreme ways that that help me
Help me out at night
Extreme places I had gone
But never seen any light
Dirty basements, dirty noise
Dirty places coming through
Extreme worlds alone
Did you ever like it then

I would stand in line for this
There's always room in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, always does

Extreme songs that told me
They helped me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't get above the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never opened
Up to anything
That could get me along

I had to close down everything
I had to close down my mind
Too many things to cover me
Too much can make me blind
I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many faces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe

I would stand in line for this
It's always good in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, always does