Not much has changed since

Barring physical aspects like facial hair, body weight and hormone levels & the addition of a few letters after my name {B.Tech (I.T.) , PGDM (C) }nothing really has changed over the last decade or to be specific ever since I finished 12th.


Here I am, goalless, ambition-less (well it's not all that bleak, there are like really long term big picture things like owning a restaurant/pub etc etc but nothing for the near future) and clueless for the most part of my waking moments. It's almost a zombie like existence, doing certain things cos they need to be done to stay alive or cos I have nothing better do.

I really don't know what it is that I wanna do in life or what it is that I like doing?

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be fighter pilot. I tried real hard to be one, cleared all the tests, interviews etc only to be told I couldn't be one cos spine isn't the way it ought to be.

That's it....that was the day that I thought, ok life doesnt end here...I'll figure something out, 7 years hence and I still haven't.

So let's look at a time line here.
At 17
Joined engineering cos that was the easiest possible next step, midway through it realised I don't wanna write code for a living. Age: 20 years Status: still clueless

At 21
Looked for the most exciting possible prospect. Thought advertising would be it. Status: Not entirely sure, but seemed like the best possible option.

At 23
Got a MBA, got a job, everything seemed to be fine. Thought I made the right choice.

Here I am at 24, quit my job, dunno what I'm gonna do next. Ok then again, my quitting my job had a whole lotta other factors involved and advertising might still be THE thing. But fact is at the big picture level I dunno what I'm meant to do, what my true calling is?


Ok let's stop the career talk here...I'll make money one way or the other, I'm still young there is still hope.


What about stuff like relationships, friends blah blah and all those things that matter to normal people.

I have some really nice friends, but I dunno if I can really call anyone a best friend, that is more my fault than theirs actually, have too many hangups n issues in life I guess. Have had little or no social life after I've moved to Bombay (while I was working had no time, when I did had no energy and now that I've quit, and have all the time in the world, I can't cos I don't think it's wise to splurge the little savings that I have)

So there you have it......I am 24, unemployed, aimless, not a single date in sight let alone a relationship, lost and clueless.....in most romantic comedies this would be the low point of the protagonist's life...looks like trash, eats cold pizzas etc etc...well since this is real life, I still enjoy my drink and a nice lil tandoori chicken. (Don't really know the purpose of the last few lines, but they seem funny so i'll keep em)

I am therefore as good or as bad as I was when I was 17.

Reminds of Sinatra's song 'It was a very good year........'

Carnivore

Just out of boredom.....list of all the various kindsa meat i've had\
Hen/Rooster/Cock (Chicken)
Goat/Sheep/Ram/Lamb (Mutton)
Cow/Buffalo (Beef)
Fish (fresh water, salt water{ way too many varieties to remember and list})
Prawns
Lobster
Crabs
Rabbit
Sparrow
Pig
Wild Boar
Shell Fish
Squid
Duck

And tons and tons of microbes...which makes me wonder aren't all of us non vegetarians in a way?

Top reasons: "Why assignments/dissertation will never be finished before time"

1. Just as you decide to start working on it, a long lost friend will ping you
2. After that conversation ends, you start reminiscing the good old days
3. You snap out of it after a while, but before you start you'd like to go over the contact list and check if anybody worth talkin to is online
4. You begin to look for the file, just then something more interesting catches your interest and you end up reading the doc/pdf/ppt or pic or whatever
5. You feel like logging onto facebook after a while, to check if any thing interesting has happened in the last half hr.
6. You get so bored of social networking that you'd wanna check out some porn.
7. After a while you actually begin working on it, while googling for some info, you come across something and one thing leads to another and lo! you end up looking at hot pics
8. Chotta chalega?....A yell from any corner of the hostel...and the only reply "han kyun nahi"
9.You need a 'break from all this chutiyap' so u start watching a movie
10. After a while you feel the urge to sort and classify your music and movie collection
11. You suddenly realise that you have a bunch of pictures you havent looked at yet, after that you'll want to look at old pictures and sort them as well.
12. You realise, that these reasons are worth documenting and that you should blog about it

Propoganda? Advertisement? Campaign? Aa su che bhai???

"The Congress party has already set aside a budget of Rs 150 crore for the coming general elections, in addition to its ongoing campaign in Delhi worth Rs 40 crore. Bhartiya Janta Party (BJP) is expected to shell out an equal sum to give Congress a tough electoral fight. Political parties are expected to spend over Rs 300 crore by March-April 2009. "- Indian Express


8(4 full page ) Adverts in TOI on a single day, some ad sales guy at Bennett must surely be very happy, after a long time he might be able to meet his targets. Moving on to a more important issue; I found it very odd that over the past week or so, the Ministry of Aviation seems to be inaugurating a new terminal every day and the other Ministries seem to be launching a new scheme or promising something or claiming that they kept their promise.

I wondered what brought this sudden bout of anxiety, this sudden want to proclaim "accountability"...didn't take me too long to realise that the elections are round the corner.


I don't have an issue with political advertising, for one it gives people jobs :P, jokes apart it's a free country and there's no harm in political parties using mass media for their election campaigns as long they limit themselves to putting for their agenda, manifesto, promoting their candidates. What I have an issue is why the tax payer's( as some one who would be paying taxes very soon, I don't want it to be misused) money is being used by the govt or shall we say the incumbents to help their cause.


Why this surrogate advertisement, let the INC open its deep coffers and spend it on the campaign, why do PSUs and depts which are already facing a strain have to suck up to the govt.


Chalo, for a while let us assume that various ministries and depts have actually done a good job and only want to spread the cheer and wanna paint the town red. Why do the ads feature The UPA chairman and the PM while the head of state the venerable Madam President (who doesn't seem to know much about protocol or anything else for that matter & btw is a UPA appointee) is glaringly absent.


Obama spent 60 odd mil on his campaign, but they were'nt govt funds, they were raised in the public domain, why can't our political parties do the same, after all they all have connections with industrialists.

WHY IS MY MONEY BEING USED TO SING YOUR PRAISES????

p.s. I know some guy was recently booked for defamation and fined for blogging 'objectionable' content.... If asking why tax payer's money is being misused by a polictal party or a consortium of oppurtunist leaders is defamation....go ahead sue me, I'll atleast get my 15 mins of fame this way.

The school song

God, keep this school and all who herein dwell
Safe from all harm and evil's mighty spell
Teach us to live so one and all may be
Proud of this land and man's equality
God grant that we may live in liberty

Lead us along the path of good and right
Lead us to greatness always in thy sight
All in the school who grow from year to year
May know the truth that thou art always near
And give their best without regret or fear

So in the end this school may grow in fame
All who are here may loudly sing its name
And through the years and from each day to day
May we have cause to rise and proudly say
God bless this school and all who herein dwell

While researching for my dissertation I came across a link to my school's page on wiki....and lo...found the school song on it........brings back quite a few memories......its a small world after all

Maaaa Dekho meri photo paper mein ayi hai

http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JQS8yMDA4LzEyLzAxI0FyMDIxMDU=&Mode=HTML&Locale=english-skin-custom

there was another in the Indian Express haven't been able to get a link to that yet....will update later


P.s. @ Alien(Curdrice)...... I know u've mentioned somewhere that u hope to see me in the papers someday....howz this for a start??? :P

The Stage

For as long as I can remember now I've wanted to be on stage...wanted to perform...and now I'm getting to live it out(I've been on stage before but this is different). It's small step towards a bigger dream, lets see how things pan out.

The time spent on stage is interesting to say the least...yes you are involved, you get to watch the audience react and all that but when for most part of the play, you have to stay motionless its strenuous. Excruciating pain, back,heels and claves get fucked...being still is quite a pain, especially for someone who is fidgety and restless like me. Its like a huge relief when the lights are on you, and you can move :P....for all 8 of us in the mob movement is quite valuable.




Well the first show went of quite well, the audience seemed to like it, but then again they were all MICANs, lets see how the paying public reacts.











I'm glad I got this opportunity, once the student life ends...I dunno I'd get to be on stage or not....this is not the kind of role I wanted but nevertheless I got to experience what it feels like to be on stage...and I'm glad I tried.








Come to think of it, 'trying' is why I'm happy with myself.....and that is why I'm still alive.

As a kid I wanted to be a fighter pilot, n hell I tried real hard to be one...too bad my spine didn't meet the required standards...but I tried.

I also I wanted to be a cricketer, I tried (I may not have tried hard enough and there were other circumstances,issues but yes I did try).

There are so many other things I wanna do, a whole bunch of adventure sports, whole bunch of places to go to, things to try and I know I will try, the first opportunity I get I'll try and make it happen.

There are times I've felt I've got the wrong end of the stick, be it with friends,family or in any other setting but I find solace in the fact that I have always given it my best shot, have always tried. I've done things which were detrimental to my ego...but I did them just to try and make things work.


I know I've always tried hard and have no regrets.I know there is nothing else I could've done in all those situations.....have no 'what if I had done this', no 'why didn't I do this' , no 'if only'.....for this and this alone I'm at peace with myself. Being at peace with yourself is a huge driving force, you can be cross with the guy who messed up your order, the guy who gave you a blazer 2 sizes smaller, the guy who cut you off on the road....but you cant be cross with yourself and survive.


The post started out as something and has ended up being something else....signs of aging :P or may be its just the thoughts that ran through my head while I was on stage.

Should end it here now.

Cheers.....the stage beckons

P.s. the pics were taken either during rehearsals or its just me posing....will put up proper pics of the play after assimilating and compiling them from various sources.

Holding up alright....may be :)

కలహాల ప్రేయసి

విరహమే లేక కవితలే రావు కవుల హృదయాలలో,
పువ్వు రాలాకే పిందే పుడుతుంది ప్రకృతి పూతోటలో.
నన్ను కవినే చేస్తావో??? ప్రేమ ఫలమై వస్తావో???
కలహాల ప్రేయసి!!!

For all those who can't read Telugu. Will attempt to translate it.



Without separation/grief, a poet wouldn't be able to pen a poem,
It is only after the flowers wilt, that the trees in nature's gardens bear fruit.

Oh my quarreling darling.....
will you make me a poet or will you be the fruit of love???




Pardon my shady translation....haven't done justice to the song by far. This is one of my all time favourite songs...from the movie Panchatantharam(2002) by Kamal Hassan. Wish I could've done a better job.

Growing up too soon

Spoiler: This is not a post about how kids have more spending power, how kids today are vital for every marketeer....this is far from mktg...so if u happen to have come across this, through google while searching for material for ur assignment...read no further...this is about ME.


Growns up are so messed up aren't they???

Should do the right thing....every thing is cut and dry...black and white...right and wrong.
Have to understand the other person...empathise..sympathise blah blah.
Rules,codes,standards,adherence to them.


Where the fuck has the kid who wants everything gone? Why the hell can't he get what he wants anymore? Why can't he just throw a tantrum,wail and scream his lungs out whenever he wants to?

Why do I have to succumb/accept to certain things??? just because I'm an adult and "need to behave like one".


N with me I think this growing up, process has just gone from point A to point F. Being exposed to a lotta situations very early on in life, did make me smart or whatever u wanna call it, but it also killed the kid. Analysing, toning down, trying to not make the same mistakes that I've seen ppl around me make.


See I even talk like some granddad now....fuck man....just so pissing off.

From Kill the baby to Kill the TWINS

A fat loss regimen gone horribly wrong..thats what it is.


Gymming,sports were workin...fat loss beginin to show...n the lazy me discontinues it. Now a bigger paunch. Look like I'm pregnant with twins.



Ok thats enough self depreciation.

Staring into nothing

Have you ever just looked through things? I mean you look at something, your mind recognizes but doesn't register colours,shapes,forms,depth and all that. But nothing more than that....you just continue staring at/into thin air.

A mind devoid of thoughts......I see most people around me with thoughts running in their heads ...worried,happy,stressed,concerned,angry,sad....but when I'm blank like this...nothing...no emotions...no thoughts...just mere processing of information that my eyes pass on to my brain.


N lately,it's been happening to me quite often. It's very fascinating, when i snap out of it ( warning/disclaimer:I AM NOT ON ANY DRUGS....these are not trips or psychic visions). I wonder how this happens to me involuntarily, I guess this is my brain's/mind's way of chilling out...it's as if it says "fuck u I need a break n I'm gonna shutdown... n close myself off from the world around u"

N its very different from the lost in thoughts types stare...here you move around a little, scratch yourself etc but fundamentally its all blank. I dunno if this what happens when you meditate. But I don't think its the same thing.


It also gets me thinking.... if this how comatose people feel or if this how a newborn sees the world.



Do let me know if any of you have experienced anything similar.

P.s. not a 'feeling low' post...no pity or sympathy comments please

Amnesia

Its very funny not having any memories of a few hrs in your life.....its not like I've forgotten just that I absolutely have no memories.


Cause:Alcohol overdose.
Effect: No cognizance/memory of around 2 hrs in my life.


I'm not embarrassed or worried about what I might have done....but It's eerie feeling not knowing anything about those hrs.

What makes it worse is when ppl come up to u and ask u about that night n all u can manage is a sheepish grin. Different ppl have been telling me different things...n I dunno what to say....all I do is 'errrrrrr okkkkk'

Phew!!! Some night that!!!

8x10 की दुनिया

क्या मेरी दुनिया बस चंपा 4 तक ही सिमट कर रहगयी है?
क्या मैं बस लोगों को आते जाते, मेरी खिड़की के सामने से गुज़ृते हुए देखता ही रह जाऊंगा?
क्या मैं अपने आप में इतना खो गया हूँ की मुझे कोई और नज़र अत ही नही या फिर क्या इसीलिए मैं किसी को नज़र अता नही?

It's not just about feeling wanted or liked....its much more than that....it's as if I'm existing for no specific reason. For who,what and why am I? Does anybody need me at all? Do I need anybody? Do they really need to need to me? Does a loner like to be alone or is it that he has no choice but to be one????

At some level I'm to blame for this distance that I seem to have created between everybody else and me(or is it I???...don't really give a fuck about grammar right now). In trying to shield myself from all the things I don't like...I've insulated myself in my own little cocoon. In trying to become self sufficient ,self reliant, independent and happy with myself; I think I've alienated myself from everyone else.


I can't remember the last time I was truly happy or excited....no it's not like I'm leading a morose and stale life but there is definitely a lack of excitement. I mean the only time there is nothing on my mind is probably when I'm playing a sport, where I just focus on doing well and winning.

It's not that all is dark here....I enjoy the company of my girlfriend, think we have a pretty neat thing going........
.......but there is still something that's missing in my life or so I think/feel. Desperately need to know what that elusive something is?(may be it's just a stiff drink :P) I dunno sometimes I feel I'm being too demanding, aiming for perfection even where I don't need it.



Time to post this, shut the lid and stare at the ceiling as I lay down in my '8x10 ki duniya'.

Gimme my piece of the sun

Victim of 'Nek Irade'

How many times have we heard "Is duniya mein bhale/sharif admi ke liye koi jagah nahi"

yeah well that is how i feel right now. Well me with all my altruist n sometimes philanthropic irade go out of my way to make ppl feel comfortable or help them out n in the end i get blamed for causing harm to them. Simple things, innocius albeit unsolicited advice, all with good intentions more often than not backfire.


I'm begining to wonder if i should just shut my trap n let ppl b on their 'halath'....


Arrrrrgggghhhh...fuck it...too shitty...too fucked in the head right now.

Dissertation Block

EOM

क्या लिखें कुछसमझ ही नही अता।

clean room,suspension,T,abrupt endings n more

Two weeks into the 2nd yr n a lot has happened.....my first suspension( dont know if ill b this happy when i get my first salary)....the issue is settled though...nothing happened in the end....but quite an interesting phase.

New room,new hassles.....paint/chunna keeps falling off, therz seepage n i was living in a virtual store room,set up room finally yesterday looks quite nice,lets see till when it stays that way.

But the biggest disappointment of my stay at MICA, i missed the "culturization"...I had taken off for the weekend assuming it would last for a week or so, but alas I did only for a day...hence no door banging no yelling no assignments.

N yes T work is starting to bug me now, its not as much fun as it should be, we end up planning for all the things that could go wrong, we try very hard to b politically correct n all that...this sucks...anyways I signed up for it, will do my best.

Quite an eventful start I must say, but unfortunately nothing is moving on the MICANVAS front n i'm slightly worried now, but yeah whatever.... everything has a way of fixing itself.

Lazy afternoons,biryani,beer and drives in the rain

Yes I'm back home(as if the title could be any less direct)......

Speaking of lazy afternoons, the ones spent just lying in Palaash feel quite different from the ones at home...well for one there isn't 10 different kinds of music streaming in.


Hmmm now lets look back to the origin of lazy afternoons....i guess it would be sometime in school that u turn into a sloth from the erstwhile incarnation of a hyper-active kid who cant get enough of running around.....u refuse to wake up in time..like to have ur meals in bed....prefer lying prostrate on the couch and watch cartoons all day and go out to play cricket only very late in the evening....n then puberty hits u n u become an even bigger sloth ball...and along with that comes rebellion and u fight back when ur mom says u havent bathed for 2days now n u r beginning to stink. After a whole lotta years u hit college...spend most of ur sundays sleeping in only to be woken up by a call or msg frm friend/girlfriend which ever the case may be and suddenly all the laziness in u vanishes n u change as quickly as superman in the phonebooth n rush out.


N then post grad happens.....the baaaaap of all laziness u dont shave for weeks, bathe lets see when u feel considerate enough for u neighbours, breakfast lunch dinner....y bother u have a 24 hr canteen...kuch na kuch toh mil hi jayega..... lets sleep in play some fifa n cs....watch some porn...n the day shall pass.




Anyways being home isn't as bad as i thought it would be( what with the mass exodus of engg grads frm snist n the whole of narayan gang)....some chuts have come back so its alrite.


Me sleeps me eats and eats some more.....surf the net for a coupla hrs.....n there u have it another day begins.


Ok... after this pathetic piece of self appraisal i need to go feed myself.

Err whatever

Summer Internship, that great big promise......the one last chance to figure out what u want to do in life.....Phbbbbbbbbt!!!!!

Nah! u discover new levels of vellagiri....watching movies n porn in the office, pretending to b concentrating on a word doc which has been touched for over 2 hrs, ladadeedum....

Well I'm sure quite a few of my batchmates would've had a fruitful experience, but I for one certainly don't feel great about mine.

The expectations that I had n the reality r worlds apart. I did try to "learn" n b open as much as possible but I guess this organization n I aren't quite compatible.

Well anyway fuck that.....the fun things....had cheap ass cold drinks....travelled n saw some inhospitable terrain, had my first real brush with rural India....hmmm whatelse "office politics n culture" (do I hear ODY....no I still think that most of those courses were pure bull or atleast the way they were "facilitated")



N pretty much everything is hunky dory....looking forward to gettin that damn paycheque n gettin outta here now....some good times ahead I guess, first Bombay then Lakshadweep...wooohoo!!! n yeah i guess the trip back home wont be that boring this time.



Until later